electile dysfunction

[brought to you by The National Association of We're Just Asking For It...]

Is everybody ready? It’s almost time to play that silly game we involve ourselves in every four years or so. Keep in mind that while I do not consider myself an expert on politics, I do consider myself a relative master of pattern recognition.

Delusion: We the people. Yep, it’s nearly that time again, when the two party system engages in battle via television, radio and what is loosely termed “public debate.” This election, at least the choices seem a bit more colorful, if you’ll excuse the unintended pun. Personally, I find it rather exciting to see an African American candidate, with potential for female vice presidential candidates in the mix. This, at the very least, gives the impression of progress, in a manner of speaking. One must ask oneself, however, will this really amount to any measurable change?

Seems to me that no matter what color you happen to be, or what religious background you may have, or what sexual organs you possess, that if you make it far enough to actually run for president, you probably share many of the corruptible traits that any presidential candidate possessed. I imagine that they all have the same taskmasters, anyway.

Seclusion: Voter beware. Remember now: we only have two choices for the next Commander-in-Chief. Any potential alternatives to the Big Two are simply distractions. Please, do not be foolish enough to be led astray by these supposed possibilities. What could a third party candidate possibly do for us in office, anyway? Real and honest change? What, are you stoned?

Seclusion: Game on. Let us not forget that this is really just a game. We will all, to certain extents, be taken in by the talk from one of the two candidates (or both), but we must remember that this talk amounts to absolutely nothing. Don’t expect any follow-up action when one of these two gentlemen take office. That would be against the well-documented rules of said game. Rather, we can relax comfortably in the knowledge that not much can or will take us by surprise, as we’ve seen all of it before, as we will again, and again, and a-freakin-gain. It’s almost amusing that in a game we partake in so often that we should wind up being the only losers, consecutively so.

As control of this country is handed back and forth between two blatantly criminal entities, we, as a nation, seem apathetic enough to simply go with the flow and allow the proverbial dog crap to fall wherever it may. We assign power, every four years, to what appears to be the “lesser evil,” and most of the members of this two party system, which has our nation under complete lock-down, are undoubtedly laughing their asses of about it. Oh no, make no mistake, this goes far beyond the simple election of a president. Look at all the cretins we have “working” in congress. On that note, I wonder when they’ll start arguing (AGAIN) about whether or not it’s okay to burn the flag (AGAIN)? Oh, right, I nearly forgot: that usually happens right before congressional elections.

Seclusion: The corporate ties that bind. Let’s face it: the only possibility of electing a worthwhile president will come not from the two party system we have firmly in place, but will instead (or won’t) come from a barely-known third party candidate who isn’t in some jerk-off corporation’s pocket. Deny this all you like, as you will only encourage the status quo, which, if you haven’t noticed, sucks in a way that is significantly difficult to describe. I’ll give it a shot, though.

Food and oil prices are skyrocketing even as I write this, and not that I’m a big fan of it, but our dollar is shrinking faster than a man’s penis after a three hour sexcapade. To top it all off, we are currently engaged in a pointless and seemingly endless war, which will probably change absolutely nothing in yet another region where we have absolutely no business being in the first place. Domestic idiocy is wildly rampant, and people are growing up without the simple ability to read an analog clock, for crying out loud. Need I go on?

Conclusion: Term to forget. Whatever the outcome of the upcoming election, one thing is certain: we will have four years worth of time to forget the transgressions of the previous administration, which seems to be the saving grace of those who keep passing the power back and forth. Odds are, the democrat will take office this time around, giving us ample opportunities to forget just how much the recent republican administration got under our skins with failed economic, foreign and domestic policies all around. How? Simple: the new administration will piss us all off immensely in completely different ways, and the people will eventually sway back toward the previous idiot party. And so on and so forth, until America is so completely buried under bullshit, that we won’t be able to smell the difference between candidates anyway.

Still, I have to admit a certain excitement with regard to the simple aesthetic variants this time around. It should, at the very least, make things a bit more interesting. Who knows, maybe I’m wrong about everything. I’ll be the first to admit it, should that be the case, but my doubt looms. With good reason.

Likewise, I have to admit, it’ll be nice to see somebody in the White House who doesn’t have an obvious learning disorder. Seriously, it was nothing short of painful just to listen to the man speak. No, I don’t blame G.W. for that, I blame us. We were dumb enough to elect and reelect the moron, so why waste time pointing fingers at a stump? If you give an ape a loaded pistol and he shoots you in the crotch, are you really going to be mad at the ape?

Well, maybe I can just blame all of this on global warming, too.